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Ass suckiness
Sep. 27th, 2006 09:56 amAs my 35th birthday approached, I became excited to plan a "middle age" party for myself. I wanted to throw a big celebration, a sort of commencement to the second half of my life. It was going to be like our wedding reception -- chock full of friends, family, food, and music.
I was soundly discouraged from doing so, as most people rejected the notion that 35 is middle-aged. "Wait til your 40th," all said.
Sadly, I listened to them.
I'm now two weeks away from my 40th birthday. I don't feel like celebrating, I'm feeling kinda depressed about it in fact. I'm trying to spin my mind back to that place that will turn the lemons of aging to sweet lemonade of "life begins at 40" or whatever piece of crap I can make myself believe for a little while, but it's not easy. I spent most of the past year (more, really) in a mild depression that kept me from doing anything like planning a big bash, looking forward to the future, or even keeping in touch with my friends so that I would have someone to invite to a big bash without feeling awkward about it. ("Hey, I know we haven't talked in a couple of years, but you're one of my best friends, I just don't treat my friends so well, but hey, come party, awright?") Also, the depression I was in kept me from planning a big party/trip/bacchanal, so I'm completely unprepared.
Also, we bought a house, so our party funds are otherwise occupied.
If this feels like the beginning of anything, it's the beginning of the end. My cousin died a few weeks ago. He was 39. This week a blogger I follow lost a good friend, aged 49. I've been long convinced I won't live past age 62, which, although mathematically not true, feels closer now than does age 20. Probably because of the depression I was in, I've spent a lot of time this year thinking about death and loss. Not planning parties.
So, anyway, it's tough to get myself into a celebratory frame of mind. But that's what I want to do. But I don't know how. How do I celebrate something I haven't planned for and I haven't told my friends about and I'm just not ready for in any way?
I was soundly discouraged from doing so, as most people rejected the notion that 35 is middle-aged. "Wait til your 40th," all said.
Sadly, I listened to them.
I'm now two weeks away from my 40th birthday. I don't feel like celebrating, I'm feeling kinda depressed about it in fact. I'm trying to spin my mind back to that place that will turn the lemons of aging to sweet lemonade of "life begins at 40" or whatever piece of crap I can make myself believe for a little while, but it's not easy. I spent most of the past year (more, really) in a mild depression that kept me from doing anything like planning a big bash, looking forward to the future, or even keeping in touch with my friends so that I would have someone to invite to a big bash without feeling awkward about it. ("Hey, I know we haven't talked in a couple of years, but you're one of my best friends, I just don't treat my friends so well, but hey, come party, awright?") Also, the depression I was in kept me from planning a big party/trip/bacchanal, so I'm completely unprepared.
Also, we bought a house, so our party funds are otherwise occupied.
If this feels like the beginning of anything, it's the beginning of the end. My cousin died a few weeks ago. He was 39. This week a blogger I follow lost a good friend, aged 49. I've been long convinced I won't live past age 62, which, although mathematically not true, feels closer now than does age 20. Probably because of the depression I was in, I've spent a lot of time this year thinking about death and loss. Not planning parties.
So, anyway, it's tough to get myself into a celebratory frame of mind. But that's what I want to do. But I don't know how. How do I celebrate something I haven't planned for and I haven't told my friends about and I'm just not ready for in any way?
